Working From Home: How to Preserve Your Relationship
Working From Home: How to Preserve Your Relationship
Shelby Stone, LMFT
With working from home and social distancing policies taking effect across the globe, knowing how to preserve your relationship in close quarters marks a new challenge for couples and families.
While most of us crave more of a work life balance and may not get enough time with our significant others and loved one, we are also creatures of habit, for good or for bad. We can quickly become territorial of our space, especially if we are used to having geographical distance during work hours, and easily annoyed by once endearing qualities of our partner. Loving hugs and check ins can become unwelcome distractions and irritations as the resounding sounds of “not right now” and “I’m on a call” create dynamics of rejection and exasperation.
So how do we navigate the waters of not only cohabitation (a sizable challenge of its own) AND coworking? Boundaries and communication - our two favorite anchors for relationship-ships!
Set TIME Boundaries: In general, setting boundaries is essential when working at home in terms of “work time” versus “play time” for both ourselves and others. That means limiting work to certain hours of the day and setting a routine. Time boundaries help to counteract issues of inefficiency and burnout. Without them, it is easy to get sucked into the allure of laundry or couch surfing or pushing ourselves through lunch and into burnout. For relationship health, it is important for partners to generally know what the other partner’s schedule looks like in order to set expectations and avert fantasies of “We are going to be spending more quality time together” or perceptions of when their partner is working or not. Sometimes essential creative thinking looks very similar to day dreaming!
Set PHYSICAL Boundaries: Needing to attend to humanity’s more animalistic side, it is important to “mark your territory” in a sense. If possible, set up a space that is dedicated to work. This allows you the room and privacy to attend to your work obligations while both keeping you on track and communicating to your partner that you are literally in the “work zone”. Just as you would enter an office for an important meeting, reserve work time for work space. This spacial clarity can prevent against getting sidetracked into discussions of household duties while trying to finish a email and letting Jeff from marketing Slack you to death during your lunch break.
COMMUNICATE About Boundaries: Clearly decide and communicate with your partner about the boundaries that you are setting.
Write out a schedule or share a calendar with your partner so they can see your work hours and meetings. It is important to include not only meetings but also time set aside for strategizing, emailing, networking, etc. Also, include personal time set aside for meals, self-care, and quality time. Otherwise, partners can often feel ignored or under-prioritized.
Create a system or language for shared work space. Whether you have access to home offices or not, devise a system to alert your partner as to when you are unavailable or in a meeting. “In Session” signs, socks on the doors, or “no talking when AirPods are in” rule can clearly communicate when you are able to be available to your partner and ward off angry hand gestures and embarrassing run-ins.
Schedule meetings. When at work, there are usually meetings to highlight progress and resolve problems. Similarly, when working from home, partners and families should meet to discuss what is working well and what needs some adjusting. Setting aside a time one to two times a week to sit and meet can help address concerns as they arise, reinforce the positives, and prevent either feelings of being nagged or big blow outs. Remember to take the time to collect and even jot down your thoughts before the meeting and to begin and end with positives or appreciations for your partner. Referred to by Dr. John Gottman as State of the Union Meetings, these meetings are even more crucial when adding coworking dynamics to traditional relationship conflicts.
As a greater need arises for many to work from home, take the time and effort to create a healthy space for you, your work, and your relationships. Just as jobs have orientations and learning curves, learn the new rules and give yourself and your partner time to adjust to this new environment. Remember to enjoy the flexibility of working from home as you find creative ways to coexist with your familiar but new coworker.
Curious about other ways to cope with work-from-home issues? Learn how therapy can help.