All You Need Is Love? How to Make A Relationship Work
All You Need Is Love? How To Make A Relationship Work
Shelby Stone, MMFT
All you need is love. We’ve all heard it. We’ve all felt it. We’ve all sang along to the Beatle’s song. But is love all we truly need to make a relationship work?
As a lover of love and how to make relationships work, I am continually pursuing the latest research and tools to help individuals, couples, and families gain more satisfaction in their relationships. Recently, in a workshop on maintaining connection in relationships, I was reminded about common unrealistic expectations regarding the “Honeymoon Phase” of a relationship such as “All You Need Is Love.” Many individuals and couples have the idea that, in order to have a fulfilling or healthy relationship, there needs to be constant passion, romance, excitement, and relatively little conflict. Not to burst any bubbles, but, you’re high…
During this honeymoon period, your body is being fueled by hormones such as testosterone, dopamine, norepinephrine, oxytocin, and vasopressin which increases feelings of desire, obsession, energy, and connection. In other words, you are flying high on the drug of love. The good news is that all of this feels so good and allows you to take the risk necessary to fall in love. The other good and bad news is that it is impossible and physically harmful for your body to be continually flooded by these chemicals. Therefore, as studies show, people are only able to maintain this “love high” for an average of 6 months to 2 years.
So what happens when the chemicals wear off? First, remember this is normal! This is what is supposed to happen. Second, know that this next stage means that your relationship is strengthened by commitment, a deeper understanding of and dedication to one another. And yes, with commitment comes conflict. During this phase of power struggling within the relationship, partners fight to communicate, solve problems, and “get their way.” Small tiffs about loading dishwashers turn into Battle Royales about appreciation and abandonment. But remember, this is normal.
To make your relationship one of the ones that lasts past these stages, you have to work for it. You need more than just love. Sorry Lennon-McCartney. Relationships require time, effort, respect, and a mutual understanding that the relationship comes before individual wants and needs. For those wanting to nourish their relationships and achieve that mature love, keep these things in mind:
90/10 Rule: 10% of the argument is about what’s happening now (i.e. the dishwasher) and 90% of the argument is fueled by other factors such as the past.
Stay present during conflicts: Defensiveness is normal but harmful and prevents us from listening.
Take a break: When activated (i.e., defensive, threatened, shut down), ask for a time-out and take 30 minutes to get your brain working again (i.e. breathing, meditating, listening to music, going for a walk, playing with a pet).
Prioritize safety and connection: Seek resources to learn how to communicate safely and meaningfully in your relationship (i.e. Imago Dialogue, Gottman Skills).
Build positivity: Express gratitude and appreciation to your partner, show love, spend quality time together, honor your partner’s needs, surprise and validate one another.
Get help early: Talk to a therapist, find a workshop, ask for guidance. Most couples wait around 6 years, which many times is too late, before seeking help for an issue.
Although it would be nice to stay blissed out in the honeymoon phase forever, remember that everyone needs to work at relationships and it is possible to make meaningful love truly last. All you need is intentionality.
Are you wanting to work on a relationship? Learn how therapy can help.