Dating in 2018: How to be Emotionally Intimate
Dating in 2018: How to be Emotionally Intimate
Shelby Stone, MMFT
Swipe. Swipe. Swipe.
Dating in 2018 is hard. There is no way around it. Millennials tend to hear the same things over and over again about “hookup culture” and how social media and dating apps have reshaped the dating scene. It is easy to feel discouraged and disengaged. But talking about how hard dating is doesn’t make it any easier. Sure, it’s great to let off steam and join in with friends about the misery of the latest dating fail. But this continual cycle can become frustrating and feel hopeless at times. It’s difficult to know when the next swipe will be “the one”…if ever and how to be emotionally intimate. That’s when some uninstall that app and try to disconnect from the dating world.
As February strikes, many are reminded of the desire to truly connect with someone. To be emotionally intimate with someone. Yes, intimacy can be scary. But as Ellen DeGeneres and Portia De Rossi say, “It’s good to be loved. It’s profound to be understood.” Human beings seek out connection. We want to feel safe, secure, and known by someone.
Then why do we also fear intimacy? If this is a basic human need, what makes us shy away from letting someone in? Intimacy can feel like vulnerability, and vulnerability can feel uncomfortable. When there is such a desire to avoid feeling uncomfortable, we can attempt to control everything in dating from who, what, when, where, to how. But, if we try to control our emotions too, we cut ourselves off from the possibility of true intimacy and the feeling of being known by someone else.
Emotions and emotional availability are essential to building intimacy, according to clinical psychologist, Dr. Sue Johnson. In order to develop a secure intimate relationship, we must allow ourselves to engage emotionally with one another. Even if you are physically present with someone on a date, you can be emotionally absent or “unavailable”. Without that emotional intimacy, we are unable to effectively communicate our needs and motivations.
So how can we feel more secure in our emotions and in our ability to share these emotions with others? It starts with the self. In order to be able to develop safe intimacy with someone else or form what is called secure attachment, we must look at ourselves and feel a level of security in who we are. We are often quick to judge others or dictate a list of necessary criteria for our ideal partner. But what if we adjusted our view inwards?
Here are 3 personal traits that allow for secure attachment:
- Self-Worth: Do you believe that you are worthy of love? Do you believe that someone should care about you? Do you deserve this?
- Self-Confidence: Do you trust in your own abilities? Do you believe that you are competent? Do you believe that you have positive qualities and something to offer to others?
- Self-Efficacy: If you work at something, do you believe that you have the ability to succeed? Do you believe that you play a role in accomplishing things? Do you believe that you can find a relationship and make that relationship work?
When we are able to feel secure in ourselves, we are able to seek out secure relationships. And when we feel secure in our relationships, we are better equipped to support each other and deal with life’s stress. If you are afraid that you are not worthy of love or a likable person, it will be more difficult for you to develop the type of connection you might want with others. Relationships start with you. Therefore, it is important to work on “you” before trying to find the perfect relationship.
Seeking out relationships to fill a hole in our lives, more often than not, will result in a struggle to identify and develop healthy relationships. Someone else can’t fix our internal problems. We have to work on being whole and fulfilled versions of ourselves in order to not only attract the types of partners we desire but to create a strong and healthy bond with someone else.
How do you work on yourself?
Get to know yourself. Get in touch with your emotions. What things bother you? What things bring you joy? What do you enjoy doing? Listen to yourself. Practice noticing your feelings. Don’t judge them. Just notice them.
Identify areas of growth. Do you struggle with anxiety, low-self esteem, or something else? Take a look at yourself (kindly!) and figure out where you would like to grow.
Self-care. Both physically and mentally, we need to take care of ourselves. A little bit of exercise can improve not only your physical health but your mental health and mood. Find things that you enjoy doing that “refresh” you and introduce them into your daily routine.
Find your voice. Practice communicating your needs with others. If you don’t ask for something, how do you expect to get it?
Set goals. It is easier to see improvements when you know what you are working towards. Select goals, plan out how you are going to reach these goals, and check in with yourself about your progress towards your goals. If you want to build confidence, set the goal, start introducing activities that make you feel confident into your daily routine, and see how you do.
Rather than disconnecting completely from the dating scene, try taking the time to self-reflect and strengthen yourself. From here, you will be in a much better position to find connection and create a meaningful relationship.
Are you wanting to learn more ways to better yourself and improve your relationships?