13 Thoughts Your College Bound Teen Isn’t Telling You & How to Help
13 Thoughts Your College Bound Teen Isn’t Telling You & How to Help
Michelle Emery-Xu, AMFT
Big changes are on the horizon as families prepare to send their teens off to college this year. Whether your child is moving far from home or staying nearby, enrolling in a four-year program or starting at a community college, the transition from high school to college can be a daunting one. But remember, you and your teen have navigated each step along their development so far - college is simply the next step on their journey toward adult independence.
Here we highlight 13 of the most common thoughts and feelings your college bound teen might be experiencing and provide practical tips on how you can help support them:
Fear of Failure: “What if I don’t do well in college? I’m scared I’ll be a failure.”
Social Anxiety: “What if I don't make friends or fit in? What if nobody likes me? I wonder if I’ll be lonely.”
Financial Concerns: “Do I/we actually enough money to afford my school? How am I supposed to manage student loans and expenses? I’m worried I won’t be able to keep up with all the things other kids are doing and they’ll think I’m a loser.”
Pressure to Succeed: “I want to make my parents proud, but I feel like there’s so much pressure on me. What if I don’t meet their expectations? How will they think of me? I don’t want to disappoint anyone.”
Uncertainty About the Future: “I'm not sure if the major or career path I’ve chosen is right for me. What if I change my mind or struggle to find a job after graduation?”
Homesickness: “I'm sad about being away from home and missing my family, friends, and my bedroom. I’m going to miss it here.”
Balancing Responsibilities and Commitments: “All these new responsibilities are A LOT all at once. How am I supposed to make time for classes, homework, eating, sleeping, student clubs, and trying to make friends? How does anyone balance all of this? It feels impossible. I’m scared I’ll burn out.”
Academic Rigor: “I'm anxious about how hard the classes will be. I’m not sure I'll be able to keep up with the coursework. What if I can’t get the classes I need to graduate?”
Identity and Self-Discovery: "I don’t know who I am or who I want to be, but everyone else seems to have it figured out."
Mental Health: “I’m already stressed out thinking about college. I won’t have my friends or family around to help me. High school was already so difficult. I’m worried for my mental health.”
Relationship Changes: “What’s going to happen to my friendships? What if my friends make new friends and they start to forget about me? I’m also sad I’ll miss out on family things like family birthdays and holidays. My relationships are about to change so much.”
Health and Well-being: “I’ve never made a doctor’s appointment before. Where do I go if I get sick or hurt? How does health insurance even work?”
Safety Concerns: “I’m scared to live in a new city. There’s way more people than I’m used to at home. What if I need to walk home alone at night?”
So What Can I Do?
The switch from high school to college, from mid-adolescence to late adolescence, involves unavoidable shifts in expectations, environment, and responsibilities. A key reminder for parents is to let your child make mistakes and learn on their own. It’s tough knowing your child is struggling, but college is a growth-oriented experience - challenges, awkwardness, and even chaos are an expected part of this journey.
So, when the first week of school rolls around and they sheepishly call you asking how to do laundry (even if you’ve explained it many times before), walk them through it once more, then step back and let them figure it out. Try to resist helping them more than they need as you won’t always be around to help with such things. Let them show you that they are capable!
Remember, the love and support you provide will look different in this new chapter of their life. Rather than actively helping or intervening, it may be challenging them to figure it out on their own and encouraging them from the sidelines. This type of love and support provides the stability and encouragement your child needs to begin to navigating college and, eventually, life.
Launching a child into college is a tough milestone for every family, parents too! So remember to take care of yourself and tap into your own support networks to make sure you’re filling up your own cup.
Here are 3 things you can do in your conversations to support them as they face these challenging thoughts and questions:
Validate: Validation can help your college-bonded child feel safe, positive, understood, and engaged - so let them know that it’s normal to feel overwhelmed. Acknowledge their anxieties, fears, and uncertainties without dismissing or minimizing them. Actively listen and empathize with them when they express their thoughts and feelings about academics, social life, or the transition to a new environment. ‘Adulting’ is hard for anyone, especially for our new adults, so be sure to let them know that you are here to support them. Through validating their emotions, you create a safe space for them to express themselves and work through the difficulties they face.
Encourage: “Encouragement is like verbal sunshine,” and it goes a long way in helping your child build confidence and resilience. Highlight their strengths and remind them of their past accomplishments, reinforcing that they are capable of handling the challenges that may come. Encourage them to embrace new experiences, take risks, and learn from their mistakes. Emphasize the development of a positive attitude and a growth mindset, reassuring them that it’s okay to seek help and ask questions. Remind them that you are proud of them no matter the outcome. Your encouraging words can help them foster self-confidence and give them the boost they need to continue to explore the world and themselves.
Offer Support: Offering practical help and emotional support is crucial during this transitional period. Be proactive by asking them about their needs and how you can assist them, whether it’s helping with logistics, teaching new and old life skills, giving advice, or simply being a listening ear. Let your child know that they can come to you for help or advice without judgement. Encourage them to also seek the help of friends, mentors, and campus resources so that they begin building their own support system. Remember, you want to help your child to continue to grow into adulthood and gain independence. Over time, it’s natural for children to need their parents less and less. Allowing these shifts and changes in roles will help you both usher in a new way of relating to each other as parent and adult child. Be sure to follow your child’s lead, offering support when needed, giving support when asked, and knowing when to take a step back too. Balancing support with independence empowers them to navigate college life with confidence while knowing they have a reliable safety net, you, to fall back on.
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Teen: “I'm really scared about starting college. Everything is going to be so different, and I don’t know if I can handle it."
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Parent: "I hear you. It’s completely normal to feel scared about such a big change. College is a new chapter with a lot of unknowns, and it makes a lot of sense to feel anxious about it.”
Teen: "Yeah, it’s just a lot to take in. What if I don’t fit in or can’t keep up with my classes? I don’t want to waste anyone’s time or money."
Parent: “I see what you’re saying. You’re worried about a lot of things right now. Adjusting to a new environment and managing your own class schedule can be really challenging. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed by it all.”
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Parent: “But remember, you’ve handled big changes before, like when you started high school. You figured out your own path and made great friends along the way. You have the resilience and ability to adapt, even when things seem tough. Facing all of those challenges brought you here.”
Teen: “I guess you're right. High school was tough at first, but I did make it through.”
Parent: “Absolutely, and you grew so much from that experience. College is another opportunity for growth. You’ll meet new people, learn new things, and discover more about yourself. I believe in you and I know you will find your path there too.”
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Parent: “And you’re not alone in this. We’re here to support you every step of the way. If you need help with anything, whether it’s figuring out your schedule, managing your time, or just talking about how you’re feeling, we’re here for you.”
Teen: “Thanks. It helps to know you’re there for me.”
Parent: “Always. We can also look into campus resources together, like counseling services or study groups, to make sure you have all the support you need. It’s good to ask for help. I love you and I’m here to support you.”
Teens today often experience heightened anxiety and lack the carefree attitude of previous generations. Whether you’re launching your first child or are a seasoned veteran, we hope these insights help you tap into what the teen (or now young adult!) in your life might be thinking and feeling in the weeks ahead. Remembering these thoughts can help you empathize with their experience and provide the support and guidance they need as they adjust to college life.
Want to learn more ways to support your teens? Connect with Michelle.